Questions hammered inside my head. My heart soon became crushed under the relentless pounding.
“How will I ever trust again?”
“How could I have missed this? Not again!”
“Where do I go from here?”
“Will this deep searing grief ever go away!”
“Who in the world can I share this with?”
“Oh my God, HELP me,” I sobbed unashamedly.
It was all so overwhelming, so overpowering. Someone had just ripped my heart out and had left me there bleeding to death.
And I felt so . . . very . . .
That was the most painful part of all. The one person in the whole world who is ordained by God to be a woman's most trusted attachment figure in her life was my husband. And when he had broken my trust through ongoing sexual betrayal, my entire world was rocked to the core. This was like experiencing an emotional earthquake of great magnitude. The only difference was, this disaster would never make the 11 o'clock news. It was a private disastrous experience that no one ever wants to talk about.
Many of us call it “D-Day”, the day we discovered we were married to a stranger.
And somehow, in the midst of my anguish and emotional turmoil, I discovered the book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. That book became my primary resource for healing. Someone “got it” . . . they understood the terrifying trauma I was experiencing. I then found this safe place at A Circle of Joy; it became a place where I discovered I was not alone. Here I found I was one of many brave and beautiful women who share the same pain as me.
This was a safe place where I was allowed to ask those hard questions. Here I was given the space and time I desperately needed to sort out my broken heart and fragmented thoughts and begin the hard and necessary work of recovery.
You, dear reader, may feel confused right now. You also may feel very fearful. You may wonder if the darkness will ever end.
I am here to tell you that I have been there. I too was desperately lonely and afraid. Terrified beyond belief actually. I also feared I would never ever be free of this emotional quicksand which threatened to engulf me whole. I have walked through this dark tunnel of despair and can honestly tell you there is light and hope at the end of this tunnel of grief.
I invite you to read my article titled, The matter of trust: How do you know he is really sorry? . It reflects my own painful experience in my three decades long marriage.
If you would like to contact me feel free to email me at louise.d.jewell[at]gmail.com My prayer for you is that you will find all the help you need to heal. May you find hope and joy once again.
Louise works as a professional counselor in her native Canada. Through her private practice, in online forums, and through public speaking and writing, her work is about helping others find hope and healing in their lives. When her first three-decades'-long marriage ended in divorce because of ongoing sexual betrayal, Louise knew in her heart that she was to use this painful experience for the good of others. Many of her clients are women who have experienced the trauma of sexual betrayal. They know Louise “gets” their pain; this helps them to not feel so alone in their journey of healing. Louise is finally happily married to a man who loves and respects her for being herself.
More about Louise:
Louise Jewell is a Registered Clinical Counsellor with BCACC (Canada) who earned a Master of Arts Degree (Religion) from Ambrose University College & Seminary (Calgary, Alberta) with further training in Counselling/Psychotherapy from Providence Theological Seminary (Otterburne, Manitoba) and a Community Mental Health Worker Certificate from Camosun College (Victoria, BC).
Louise's professional & personal experience also includes:
- Certified Clinical Partner Specialist - training in the Multidimensional Partner Trauma Model with APSATS (The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists)
- Registered Clinical Counsellor in Private Practice
- Registered Service Provider with BC's Crime Victim Assistance Program
- Speaking/Writing/Workshop Leading
- Volunteer clinician with British Columbia Disaster Psychosocial (DPS) Services
- Before working as a therapist, Louise served in Pastoral Ministry, with International Students and in Community Mental Health Work.
- Louise and her husband live and work on Vancouver Island, British Columbia, Canada.
- When Louise is not working, she can be found hiking on the Wild Pacific Trail (BC), diving into a new book or creative project, visiting with friends & family, and exploring new places with her hubby!
Schedule Support Sessions with Louise