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If we don’t fully understand detachment, it sounds and feels like a loss of control. And when you’re married to a sex addict, loss of control feels dangerous. So instinctively, we do the opposite and strive to control. And in truth, when your husband is involved in inappropriate sexual behavior, much of your life is out of your control! You can’t count on him to care more about you than his selfish behaviors, and because your lives are so intimately entwined, his addiction creates chaos in your life too. And never knowing when you’ll be hurt again is like living through an unending earthquake. The ground beneath your life and marriage constantly shifts, and nothing remains stable.

Triggers and Boundaries

Triggers. We all know how they can throw us into a panic in seconds, and leave us spinning, even when we thought we were beyond such cycles. Like a wind out of nowhere, they rock our world. And they often result in relational conflict, because our partners don’t “get” why we are so edgy, reactionary, and fragile. But if both parties in the couple are on a recovery path, and trying to save their marriage, boundaries can make a huge difference. The right kind of “boundaries,” that is. And I have a great example for you of the kinds of boundaries I’m talking about.