Building on the foundation of her groundbreaking book, Living With Your Husband's Secret Wars, Marsha Means has written an important new workbook for women whose husbands struggle with sexual addiction. Equally effective for individuals and for support groups, From Betrayal Trauma to Healing & Joy will lead you, step by step, through a powerful process of personal restoration and growth..

At the heart of the process is a series of therapeutically-designed questions that will enable you to take God's Healing deeper into your life. Christ-centered, compassionate, and full of practical guidance, From Betrayal Trauma to Healing & Joy will help you make wise and empowering choices, and move with confidence into the future God has for you.

From Betrayal Trauma to Healing & Joy provides a way to work through your losses and pain while equipping you with the skills you need to face the reality of what has happened in your marriage. Use it in a support group, with your counselor, or on your own.

"Healing begins here!  That was my first impression while reading this important workbook.  This practical book shows partners how to move from being wounded to experiencing healing.  Marsha Means’ treatment approach gives partners of sex addicts the opportunity to address their trauma and move toward healing.  She is the “go to” person for those who are weary of being told their partner’s sex addiction is their fault.  If you are ready to heal, begin your journey with this workbook."

—Dr. Milton S. Magness, author of Hope & Freedom for Sexual Addicts and Their Partners and Thirty Days to Hope & Freedom From Sexual Addiction.  Director of www.HopeAndFreedom.com

“This workbook provides the clinician a well-researched, soul-searching guide to help wounded partners review what has happened, evaluate their options and make a plan in the face of a spouse’s sexual betrayal.  Wounded partners can see the way after being lost for so long.  My therapy group participants experiencing the workbook have commented that they understood so much more and could now hope to heal, regardless of whether their husbands made changes to their behavior.  From Betrayal Trauma to Healing & Joy is the benchmark in providing the wounded partner the education and permission to use their strength to overcome their pain.”

—Peter F. Daniels III LCSW CSAT, www.TherapyWorksAustin.org


Grief Care is Self Care

“Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction and my bones grow weak.” Psalm 31:9-10   


Distress, anguish, sorrow. How did you feel when you read this scripture? Can you relate to David’s grief? 

Take a minute and read through David’s words again, and this time pay attention to each word and how it makes you feel.

If someone asked you to describe what grief feels like, what would you say?

Grief can be so crippling. Grief can make you feel hopeless. Grief can make you feel like you will never be happy again. But if you are not paying close attention to your grief, it can consume you, even with all of your efforts to stay positive and hopeful.

Let’s look again at the Psalm. How are David's emotions affecting him physically?  Consider how your emotions — however you are experiencing them — are affecting you. For example, if you once felt like a strong person who could manage life well, do you feel like you’ve lost that strength? Have you noticed changes in your energy level? How about your ability to enjoy activities that once brought you joy?  Is your motivation gone? Are you able to concentrate or do you feel more scattered and distracted?   

We all experience life through our emotions. Life affects us emotionally. So an important part of self-care is caring for our emotional health. Grief and trauma are a part of our emotional landscape and very much like a garden, it must be tended.

Compassion is a healing response to grief. It is important to seek compassion but also to be compassionate with yourself. Set aside time to do “grief care” as a part of your self-care.  

Self-care is one of the foundations of any healing journey. You need good self-care in order to heal. I encourage anyone who has experienced trauma and loss to keep a “self-care” list. Choose an item or items to do from the list at least once a week, if not more!

I’d like to share a few things that are on my “self-care” list.

1) A relaxing, hot, bubble bath without interruptions.
2) A manicure or pedicure. Something as simple as pretty toe/fingernails can give you a boost!
3) Get a massage. It’s a great way to get stress out of your muscles.
4) Exercise: swim, go to the gym for a workout (or class, etc). Anything that can help you manage, in a healthy way, your stress, anger, pain, or whatever you’re feeling.
5) Get creative - drawing, painting, photography, dancing. Studies have shown art therapy works wonders. Even something as simple as the adult colouring books can significantly reduce stress.
6) Keep a Gratitude Journal - honestly this really does work. Every day write down 3-5 things for which you are grateful. This truly allows you the opportunity to see — in black and white –– that there are still things to be grateful for even in a painful journey.
7) Yoga, meditation, stretching your body/muscles, anything that helps you to release the stress stored in your body and to calm your mind.
8) Music - put on “feel good” music during the day. I love listening to praise music. I end up singing out loud and it changes my whole mood. Music can also change the atmosphere in your home.
9) A Joy Journal - very much like a gratitude journal except write your joy moments instead.  
10) Spend time with your children/grandchildren, spend time with a friend, or simply spend time with people: join a book club, attend a craft fair, go to a movie, enjoy a concert: whatever brings you joy.

How many more things can you think of to add to my list?

Comforting activities, joyful activities, calming activities are necessary for mental, emotional, physical, and even spiritual health. Please, please don’t take these things for granted. As women, we tend to be so hard on ourselves, but what we need is compassion and grace for ourselves from ourselves, and from others.

In the book Healing Through the Dark Emotions by Miriam Greenspan she says “In grief’s alchemy the first phase is not about moving on but about being broken, a searing experience that cannot be pacified by all the compassionate counsel in the world.  Healing through grief doesn't start when we give up feeling bad, it begins with the agony of loss. The merciful numbing of shock must wear off so the reality of death (or loss) take hold. Grief must sink in. In the alchemy of grief, going down always precedes coming up. Understandable but misguided attempts to speed up the process tend to derail it. Generally, a grief deferred is a grief prolonged. There are no shortcuts in the alchemy of the dark emotions.”  

Sadly, grief is an often neglected emotion. Grief gets short shifted or tossed aside and not fully embraced, processed, and allowed time to heal. Grief is an emotion that asks us to depart from the normalcy of life, asks us to be still and to take time to feel and understand it. Grief is about letting go and allowing yourself to descend into the grief so that you can one day rise again in joy: stronger, wiser, and whole.  

One may lie down weeping at nightfall, 
but at dawn there are shouts of joy. 
Psalm 30:6


Grief offers us a gift: the ability to see deeply into the way things are. Grief is one of the greatest teachers of life. Embrace the gift your grief offers you and lean into it so you can grow with it.  Yes, it hurts, but the gains, I promise, are priceless.

If you find yourself grieving with no support, or need the tools to work through your grief, please contact us!

We would love to help you.

Blessings,
Coach Katherine
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Sacajawea

I grew up in the Pacific Northwest, and like every child from that part of the United States, I learned about Lewis and Clark and Sacajawea in Washington State History classes. If you grew up in the United States, you may remember hearing about Lewis and Clark. But you may never have learned about Sacajawea, so allow me to introduce one of my childhood heroines to you. Her story has bearing on how we heal from betrayal trauma.

Grateful

For those of us who live in the United States, this is Thanksgiving week; a time set aside to say “Thank
you” for life’s blessings. A time to show our appreciation. But for those of you still reeling from betrayal
trauma, it marks the beginning of a difficult holiday season. When your heart is breaking, it can feel
impossible to spread the holiday cheer. It becomes more about simply trying to survive the season.

But what if I told you that thanksgiving—gratitude—could actually help your heart and mind heal?

self aware

I hadn’t thought much about the role self-awareness plays in our healing until I asked a former client what treasure she had found because of her healing journey. Her answer? “Self-awareness.” But I haven’t stopped pondering that conversation since. And I’ve discovered she is absolutely correct! Learning to live in self-awareness can be labeled a treasure, but it is also a necessary tool for our healing. How is it so essential?you might ask, just as I did. But now I know the answer to that question.