If we don’t fully understand detachment, it sounds and feels like a loss of control. And when you’re married to a sex addict, loss of control feels dangerous. So instinctively, we do the opposite and strive to control. And in truth, when your husband is involved in inappropriate sexual behavior, much of your life is out of your control! You can’t count on him to care more about you than his selfish behaviors, and because your lives are so intimately entwined, his addiction creates chaos in your life too. And never knowing when you’ll be hurt again is like living through an unending earthquake. The ground beneath your life and marriage constantly shifts, and nothing remains stable.
For most of us, boundaries prove to be one of the most misunderstood and most difficult skills we must learn on this journey. But Christy Kane, a former coach with A Circle of Joy who is now doing her practicum at Soul Work Counseling in Minneapolis, does a great job of shedding light on boundaries in the following pieces she wrote during her time on our team. And I think you will especially enjoy the comical—and effective—example in the first piece below in Christy’s thoughts on boundaries!
In our MOM ON STRIKE! and 4 Myths About Boundaries newsletter, we saw how Christy put boundaries to the test with her two boys, complete with comic relief and real life, parental bravery. Christy also hit on 4 common myths about boundaries. Boundaries are not rules we place on others, nor are they controlling, punishing, or necessarily unforgiving. Boundaries protect the good, while keeping out the unacceptable. With that said, Christy has graciously allowed us to share the boundary agreement she and her husband, Dan, made in 2008.